Relationships

On the WashU School of Medicine side of things (personally) it’s pretty easy to be in a long-distance relationship. We have a lot of virtual time so it can be really easy to make visits. And we have so many non-required attendance events, it’s easy to spend time studying together. I think independent of WashU you should really do some deep reflection on what you prioritize in a relationship to see if long distance works well with it. Personally, I think they can be deeply meaningful, but it’s up to the people in the relationship to address what you and your partner need. Let me know if you wanna chat about these things because once you get to medical school, having a strong social safety net is critical, and your relationship can be a component of that. Not to mention this can be a difficult thing to talk about!

WashU School of Medicine is a great place for the married/partnered med student! There is a group (WUMS Plus One) specifically geared towards students with partners, and friend groups also form naturally among the partnered students. St. Louis also has some of the best housing prices in the country, and many people choose to buy condos or houses during med school. My husband has been a wonderful source of support as I’ve begun my medical education. He has enjoyed getting to know my classmates and some of their partners, and also picking up some medical tidbits along the way. It’s really important to have open lines of communication with your partner so they know what to expect over the next four (or more!) years. When comparing medical schools, we went over the curriculum calendars in detail and decided which one best suited our lifestyle and his career aspirations. The Gateway Curriculum has a great balance of “school time” and “unscheduled time” that allow for time together each day, and also family vacations during breaks. 

Though it may seem like a lot of your peers are in serious relationships, there are plenty who are happily single! Being single in medical school is what you make of it. As anyone in our generation knows, there are plenty of dating apps around; and in a place with so many graduate and professional schools, there’s guaranteed to be a large dating pool of people. You may find a future partner on one of those apps, in your own class, or in one of your hobbies outside of school! Plus, your peers who have partners can make awesome wingpeople. And if you’re not actively looking for a partner, that’s great too! Medical school is all about finding your interests and passions, so being single can leave space and time for you to say yes to new opportunities and build relationships with your incredible new classmates.

You’re living with a med student??  What, like it’s hard?

YES, it is!!! But anything is doable if you’re willing to work for it (and if you’re not then maybe this isn’t the place for you). Here are some practical tips that have helped our marriage THRIVE.

1) Practice open communication. In almost five years of marriage, we’ve endured THREE California bar exams (I still suffer from PTSD), one naval deployment, a pandemic baby, two career changes, and a cross country move. What did we learn? We’re nicer after meals, we work better as a team, and never go to bed angry. Nothing came as a surprise (except for maybe the pandemic) and through it all we tried to remember our positive language and open communication skills.

2) Set realistic expectations and hold each other accountable, but be compassionate if things don’t work out. Look, your med student is going to have a lot of long days (and maybe nights) trying to learn a new language. You are a priority, but if you don’t feel like one then refer to tip #1. Both parties should set expectations prior to the first day of school and discuss the reality of those expectations. For us, we have dedicated family time from the time we pick up our daughter from daycare (or roughly 5:30 p.m.) to the time she goes to bed around 8. Studying may resume afterwards and continues until your med student’s brain can handle no more. Use that time to catch up on your favorite dramas or catch up with your friends. Remember, you need to maintain your own identity! Obviously, there are exceptions for the occasional social event or upcoming tests. Hold each other accountable by writing, signing, and posting your expectations in a visible area. As with any contract, be sure to review and renegotiate yearly (this is unofficial legal advice).

3) Tell your med student you are proud of their accomplishments. The next four years will test your med student’s physical, mental, and emotional capacity, so try to keep his spirits up and recognize his efforts! As a first-year law student, a stranger once told me, “Law, that’s tough, but at least it’s not med school!” So, give your med student frequent hugs because he will need it. While we are on the topic, MED STUDENTS: DON’T FORGET TO THANK YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!! We like praise too!

4) Always make time for date night. Good meals with great company increases your quality of life. Try your best to set a weekly date night free of social media and other distractions (for us, that means recruiting a babysitter for our daughter). Take turns planning said event taking your SO’s interests into consideration. For example, one of our date nights involved a WashU lecture about the status of the Texas abortion laws. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but it blended our world’s — medical and legal — into one thought provoking date night!

5) Know and remember the end goal. Med school is four years, but it goes by quickly. What’s happening after med school? Where do you BOTH want to live during residency? Are you BOTH willing to compromise and accommodate each others’ goals? Don’t know the answers to these questions? Well, refer to tip #1.

A wise lawyer once said, “Exercise give you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t’.” (Elle Woods, Harvard Law School).  My med student and I have made it this far (and still like each other) because we BOTH practice the tips above. You CAN have a life (and a family) with a med student, it will just involve a lot of talking and listening to each other’s needs.

Congratulations for making it into med school as I’m sure your support and encouragement helped your med student get into school, and CHEERS to the next four years!

Congrats! You’re in now, which means you can start asking the real questions — what is dating in med school like? Well, as the randomly selected and sacrificial couple chosen to write the article “On Dating Someone in Your Med School Class,” we’re here to give you advice that we have absolutely no authority to give. Dating someone in med school is both very special and chaotic. On one hand, you save a lot of time explaining things to your partner because they are also navigating the wild journey that is medicine with you. On the other hand, sharing the same life experiences also means sharing the same daily schedule and friend circles for your first year, which can be a lot sometimes. That’s why it’s especially important to communicate intentionally and continue investing in other friendships and interests that you value outside of your relationship. We also recommend you make sure to spend quality time together that does not consist of takeout and watching lecture at 2x speed in the carrels. Go explore some cute date spots in St. Louis on the weekends (bonus points when you inevitably run into classmates)! All of that being said, the start of medical school is an exciting time filled with new experiences and amazing people so don’t get too stressed about dating. But if you are lucky enough to find that special someone in your class, you might also have the privilege of writing this article in the Dis-O Guide next year.

I know a lot of medical folks like to be able to vent to their partners and relate to them about the difficult field we’re going into. When all you can ever think about is Anki cards and weekly formative assessments though, it’s wonderful to have someone who can pull you out of that headspace instead. At the end of the day, we’re more than just medical students, and sometimes it takes those partners who know us better than anyone to bring that other side of us back out.

Being long distance as well, my partner and I try to make every minute count. Even idle aspects of our days become a running conversation — and while some would call that distracting, I think it brings my day quite a bit of balance. That being said, it’s important to also intentionally carve out time for your partner, especially when our schedules as medical students are so busy. For us, that takes the form of weekly (virtual) date nights where we can jointly stream a TV show or play a game together over a voice call.

Given the inflexibility of our course schedules normally, the situation will often require a bit of patience on your partner’s end as you figure out how you can make something work. Communication is key in this position, and it’s important to establish these expectations early on. In a long-distance situation like mine, that also means that the burden of travel to see each other may disproportionately fall on your partner, coming to visit you. In that case, it’s important to step away from your notes, take a break, and treat those visits as the high-value opportunities they are.

I won’t sugarcoat it: Being a parent in med school is challenging, but it also has unique rewards. No matter what is happening at school, I know I can come home every day to the support and love of my family. I really treasure the fact that my daughters will grow up in the med school environment surrounded by my smart and inspiring classmates, many of whom babysit regularly.

Parenthood does not have to be a barrier to a successful and rich med school experience. The administration (especially Student Affairs) has been very proactive in helping me meet my family’s needs. When I needed help finding a daycare, or accessing the Lactation Program, or taking time away from class to get my kids to the doctor, they always helped me find a solution. The Financial Aid office helped me access enough loan money to pay for daycare/school.

Finally, there is a small but thriving community of parents at WashU School of Medicine. I’ve connected with other classmates who are parents, as well as faculty members who have kids. It is a great place to find your village.

Emily K.

 

WashU is a great place to be for med school with many opportunities to get involved in research, the community, extracurriculars, shadowing, and more, but these can be overwhelming whether you have a family or not. Being a medical student and having a family is a balancing act. I know this is not an Earth-shattering surprise, but it must be stated upfront. Open communication and flexibility have been key in keeping my marriage healthy. Early on, I sat down with my wife and made a list of priorities, potential extracurricular involvements, and what I wanted to accomplish while in medical school. Together, we whittled it down to something we thought would be doable while keeping family a priority. We plan to re-visit and tweak this list at different stages in school. Not every day is the same, and occasionally a class will be missed for a trip to the pediatrician, but I treat school like a job as much as possible. Regardless of when classes begin, I get to campus early and try to knock off by 5. We eat dinner as a family, play with our dogs, and I always give my daughter a bath (that’s our dedicated daddy-daughter time right now). After my daughter is down, I resume schoolwork/studying if need be but usually can squeeze in some Netflix with my wife. St. Louis is a great place to have a family. Make sure you take the time to explore it and enjoy it while you’re here!

James B.