Hi friend!~ Wow. It sure has been a minute. How are you doing?
Has anyone asked you that lately? Have you asked anyone else? I’ve been thinking a lot about indifference since we last chatted. You might be wondering how this is remotely related to wellbeing, and you’re not wrong to be concerned about the direction of this blog. But hear me out. Recently, I’ve had several necessarily long road trips which could not be avoided. And to make use of the many otherwise unproductive hours of driving, I listened to a few classic books on psychedelics and the Smartless podcast (which is not exactly PG; lot of swears and poop jokes, but highly entertaining if you’re into that sort of thing). In one episode, there’s a particularly hilarious case of mistaken indifference (maybe the one with Stephen Colbert?) that got me thinking. How often do you encounter indifference in your regular day-to-day? As in, ‘the opposite of love isn’t hate, its indifference’ kind of indifference?* How often do you feign indifference? (Probably not as often as you could, but that’s a topic for another blog) And finally, how do you know if what you think is indifference in others is actually indifference, versus something else entirely?
Now, it may surprise some of you to know that I’m not a very good actor (yet).** But I am darn good at mistaking indifference in others. Especially when I’m tired, uncertain, or anxious. And I’m not a doctor or anything,*** but I’m pretty sure it’s a widely known fact that people who end up in health care can be (a little!) anxious. It works for us. Until it doesn’t (you know I’m right, don’t feign indifference because I AM ON TO YOU). Basically, people who are (a little) anxious and (maybe!) burned out can misattribute negative emotional states to others…and (might!) assume responsibility for said misattributed emotional state. And remember negativity bias and how it contributes to burnout and depression and all kinds of badness? I’ve never been accused of being logical (per se!), but I think these things are all related.
What things? (I see you snoozing). So, let’s recap real quick: People who work in health care can be (a little) anxious and (maybe) burned out. And people who are (a little) anxious and (maybe) burned out can mistake negative emotions in others as being intentional and/or directed at them. And if indifference is the opposite of love, and we’re all vulnerable to misattribution because we’re (a little) anxious and (maybe) burned out, you get where I’m going. It makes everything seem like it’s being done TO YOU and ON PURPOSE. And I’m just spit balling, here, but maybe it has something to do with the amygdala? And the anterior cingulate cortex (that’s short for ACC)? And maybe some hyperreactivity? (neuroscience [comma] *sigh* [comma] I just love it [period] don’t you [question mark]) And then before you know it, Netflix cancels the OA after 2 seasons even though they promised 5. Indifference, people! It could quite possibly be the root of all evil.+ But how can you know whether it’s real? Never fear. I am here for you, with my oversimplified, authoritatively stated but nonetheless unscientific wisdom. Here you go.
The Wellbeing Now! 4-step plan for beating indifference:
- Mind reading is not a superpower. The first step in the 4-step recovery from negativity-misattribution bias (which I just made up) plan is to accept that you have no superpowers. We might know a lot about THE brain, but we don’t actually know anything about any one person’s brain.++ Or life. Or stress. Or whether it has anything to do with us.
- Remember 4th grade science. Hypothesize. What else could look like indifference? Exhaustion. Fear. Cluelessness. Hunger. Long COVID. Shame. Constipation, and while we’re at it, probably also gas. And finally, BURNOUT (you knew it was coming).
- Be curious (fake it if you must). You can test the alternate hypotheses you developed in Step 2 by asking just one question (hint: it’s in the first line). Remember when people were scared that asking about suicidal ideation would make people suicidal? Fortune telling, close relative to mind reading (see Step 1).+++
- Be empathic (no faking allowed). Other people’s emotions are not your responsibility, but bearing witness can tame the wily beast of indifference. Also, I find it helpful to anthropomorphize emotions. It makes them easier to discuss without admitting anything or hurting anyone’s feelings (or faking).
And with these subtle truths, I bid you adieu, until next time. And there will be a next time, sometime soon, when you least expect it.
Also: Questions about, comments on and better ideas for Wellbeing Now! will be received with maximal gratitude and no indifference whatsoever.
~Since the topic of today’s newsletter is mistaken indifference, I need to wish a happy belated birthday to my long lost, wise, and ever youthful friend Mini Tandon, without whom my toes have grown despondent and unglamorous. I miss you!!
*The first person to accurately guess this literary reference gets a free latte! Just kidding. There’s no reward for remembering 8th grade English. But there should be.
**You have no idea how hard it was to resist the urge to make a hilarious Tobias Funke reference here…and you ALSO have no idea how many times I had to type Funke before auto spell finally gave up and went home. This, my friends, is dedication. Twice-over.
***Obviously this is a lie. But don’t tell anyone. I’m trying to launch my acting career and it’s very distracting having to explain the difference between acting and psychiatry all the time.
+Also, walnuts. Why ruin perfectly decent baked goods?
++Unless you were in Josh Siegel’s psilocybin study, and in that case, we know EVERYTHING.
+++That Aaron Beck. AmIright? He made ‘distortion’ a household word, and if you don’t know what that is, there are only two other words you need to know: Cherub Rock.