Relationships

To my fellow Non-Med Student Partners of Med Students:

Let’s be completely honest with each other, it’s incredibly easy being partners with a med student. For one, you get plenty of alone time to explore your own interests. Also, if you do your best to socialize with their class, you’ll end up with a lifelong networks of doctors across specialties who can assist with all your lifelong ailments. But the best part? If the drug from Limitless is ever created, you’ll have enough deep-memory second-hand knowledge of medicine to basically be a functional doctor.

Just keep your head held high through the tough times, ignore the fact that things will almost certainly get worse during residency, and always remind yourself that a six-figure household is just around the corner. You’ve got this.

My partner moved to St. Louis soon after our year started, and I LOVE having him here. He works in a WashU lab, but he does not have any interest in medicine which is fantastic. He understands that medical school is a lot of work, and he is great about giving me space when I need to focus. He also helps me to have a life outside of medical school. He has made friends with my friends and their significant others and has become a part of our medical school community. As with any relationship, setting boundaries is important, but so is carving out time for each other. For us, that means taking the time to have dinner together at least three times a week and watching Survivor every week. My partner cannot tell you the difference between a T cell and a Dendritic cell. However, he can listen to me rage about Anki for 20 minutes and say “that sucks” because he knows that is the exact thing I need to hear. Having him here helps me to get out of my head and enjoy my time in medical school.

Choosing a medical school that is right for you and your spouse is very challenging. Considerations such as living cost, job market, lifestyle, and community have to perfectly align for both of you. Even after endless pros versus cons lists, at the end of the day it is a leap of faith. WashU and St. Louis have exceeded every expectation for my wife and I. The medical school has a diverse set of students; many of them are also married or have long-term partners. We have made great friendships with other couples! The Gateway Curriculum allows me to manage my schedule in a way that I can still find time every day to spend with my wife, even with our different responsibilities.

WashU is also very aware of spouses and partners. My wife has always been welcomed and invited to many social activities from the university and the student body. WUSM Plus One is also a great social network to meet other couples and learn about the best ways to navigate medical school while being married.

St. Louis has a vibrant personality at an affordable price. There are plenty of places to visit and foods to try. We are happy to be here at WashU and hope you come join us and make St. Louis your new home.

My girlfriend is also here in St. Louis, and I’m fortunate that we don’t have to do long-distance. That being said, it has been super feasible to maintain our relationship even with my med school schedule. Since we don’t live together, seeing each other takes extra time in our days, but my workload is manageable enough that I’m able to see her most evenings and every weekend. My daily schedule aligns nicely with her 9-to-5 job in that I’m usually done with classes and extracurriculars by the time she gets off of work. During weeknights, I’ll often study at hers or vice versa so that I can still spend time around her while doing my scholarly duties. The weekends are when we spend prime quality time together, and there are tons of cool, affordable, and not-crowded spots we often visit in the city. Overall, I think that St. Louis is an amazing city to be partnered in, especially as a med student, because it’s so easy to be flexible with our time together in ways that respect both our individual schedules. A lot of it has to do with the city being small — we’re always a short drive away from each other, and it’s really easy to make and execute plans quickly! You can go from chilling on the couch to trying a new restaurant in Soulard, seeing live jazz music on Grand, or ice skating in Forest Park in 20 minutes.

The possibilities: endless.
The reality: limited, but better than nothing!

The singles of the entering class of 2022 have not abandoned hope, not yet at least. Although some of us looked within our cohort to find our love interests, some of us have taken to the apps — swiping, liking, and commenting our way to a conversation, story, or maybe a relationship. Dating is what you make of it here! You could, for example, make every first date a double date (highly recommend this — got to share the love). Or you could even choose ironic first date locations, like Applebee’s, and jokingly invite your classmates to “watch” (would recommend this less so … ). But all this to say, it can be fun. We all agree there are some good fish in the sea; although we are in Missouri, there are still some good fish in the river too. So as with fishing, patience is key. Do be warned … the St. Louis dating scene is surprisingly small. You will likely match with some of your friend’s matches, match with a previous date’s roommate(s), or run into previous dates in coffee shops and restaurants. These are all real possibilities; I speak from experience.

If dating is not a priority for you starting out school — you’ll be fine. Although it may seem that everyone is in a long term relationship, engaged, or married, don’t feel pressured to date just because everyone else is! It’s not research or volunteering; residency programs won’t axe you for being unlovable, trust me. We are all adults here (or at least kids with adult responsibilities), so you won’t miss out on anything really because you’re single. If anything, it frees you up to get to know all your classmates, go on trips, and live your best independent life!

My partner moved to St. Louis soon after the school year started, and I LOVE having him here. He works in a WashU lab, but he does not have any interest in medicine which is fantastic. He understands that medical school is a lot of work, and he is great about giving me space when I need to focus. He also helps me to have a life outside of medical school. He has made friends with my friends and their significant others and has become a part of our medical school community. As with any relationship, setting boundaries is important, but so is carving out time for each other. For us, that means taking the time to have dinner together at least three times a week and watching Survivor every week. My partner cannot tell you the difference between a T-cell and a Dendritic cell; however, he can listen to me rage about Anki for 20 minutes and say “that sucks” because he knows that is the exact thing I need to hear. Having him here helps me to get out of my head and enjoy my time in medical school.
—Elizabeth S., M1

When I first moved to St. Louis, I decided to get back on some dating apps (💀), which is where I met my girlfriend. She has been the most supportive person I’ve had throughout everything occurring in my life since starting school — she helps me stay accountable with studying, motivates me to do more cooking than eating out, helps me keep my room clean, reminds me to take my meds, etc. We’ve had plenty of time to spend together so far in Phase I: we hang out after she’s done with work and I’m done with school, play video games and watch stuff together, and play with her puppy, who is the absolute cutest boy in the world. She’s also gone with me to every med school related event she can and has met lots of my classmates and faculty, so she’s slowly becoming a part of our med school family. Since she’s a local, it has also been really nice to have her as a sort of guide to St. Louis and Midwest living in general, especially since I’ve only lived on the coasts up until now. She has shown me tons of cool places like the St. Charles Historic District (definitely check it out!), introduced me to her friends here, and even invited me to family dinners, which was especially nice when I wasn’t able to fly home for Thanksgiving. She’s also one of the few other trans women I’ve been able to find community with here, which has been super affirming in my own transition and has helped me find queer community outside of WashU. The fact that she doesn’t have the same stressors as I do is honestly very refreshing, because it means we can support each other through things with fresh perspectives. I really can’t express how glad I am that I re-downloaded those apps back in August. 🙂
—Nora M., M1

While I may have no authority on this topic as I have been seeing a classmate for about a week, I can tell you that dating within the class is an exciting and chaotic experience. At the start of med school there is so much adjustment, new experiences, places to explore, and friendships to make! Finding a ~partner~ was not my focus. I just got incredibly lucky to have found something in one of my best friends I made here. There is no need to stress about dating, but if you are lucky enough to feel a spark with someone you already are friends with, a lot of the initial concerns that happen at the start of a relationship have been taken care of. Like I already know we get along great, he has already seen me at my worst, and I don’t have to come up with a subtle way to find out who he voted for in 2020. On the one hand it is so nice being with somebody who gets it and is on the same schedule. I can’t lie; about 50% of us getting to know each other happened unintentionally in Becker Medical Library. On the other hand, the fact that we have the same schedules and stressors can get tricky. If the thought of things going south and then seeing each other at 8:00 a.m. in Connor Auditorium also activates your sympathetic nervous system, I highly recommend getting to know your class crush as a friend first as well. My advice is to be super communicative and open with each other, and to make sure you choose somebody that can be a stress reliever rather than another stress added!

I want to make sure it is said loud and clear for anyone having doubts about what they can or can’t accomplish as a parent: you can do this. Everyone’s situation is unique, and I do not want to diminish that. I am fortunate to have an astoundingly supportive husband and my mother to help out when school demands more of my time, and I am very aware of how their help makes this possible for me. It does take a village. What I will say is that no matter what your village looks like, there are always ways to make it work. Planning is a must, but it is important to be flexible and give yourself grace when things don’t go according to plan.

My experience being a mom/med student has been the most rewarding experience I’ve had. I come home every day to the best motivators a student could ask for and I am constantly reminded of the powerful example I am setting for my children. The key to success is communicating with your family to ensure everyone is always on the same page and set expectations. Your weekends will look different than your classmates’, and that’s okay. Try not to compare yourself to anyone, because your experience as a student will be vastly different than the majority of your peers. It is a balancing act, and some days are harder than others; but overall, it is way more manageable that I imagined it would be.

The Student Affairs Office at Wash U has exceeded my expectations in the support they offer for students with children. They are always accommodating when I need to miss class to take my kids to the doctor’s or end up getting sick myself because of all the sickness they bring home from preschool. Bridget O’Neal, Director of Financial Aid, offered me tons of guidance in finding daycares/preschools that fit my needs and assisted with increasing my loans to help cover the costs. It still amazes me how much of her time she willingly and enthusiastically put in to helping me get settled here. There is also a beautiful little community of parents at Wash U, and Saint Louis has to be one of the most affordable places to have a family. Many students with children are actually able to afford purchasing a home that is within a five-to-ten-minute drive to campus. There are tons of free family-friendly things to do in this city. Wash U has to be one of the best, if not the best medical school for students with children.

I moved to St. Louis with my partner of three years and we live together in an apartment that’s about a 20-minute walk from campus. It’s been great to live with someone outside the medical student class to take a clear break from studying and school-related topics when I get home. I end up studying from home later in the evening but it’s good for my schedule and not burning out to have some separation from the immediate events and stressors of the school day. We have different days or weeks that are particularly busy at work/school so that’s really helpful to share responsibilities and balance chores that still have to get done every day like cooking. It’s also nice to hear different perspectives and questions about medicine from someone in a different field — my partner makes me think about what we learn and do in class differently and he always questions aspects of medicine or medical school that I’ve accepted but maybe should question or push back on more. It’s definitely different than living with another medical student and I feel less connected to some of my classmates who live together or in a building with many other students, but some of that also stems from being slightly more introverted and less confident in social situations. Overall I’m really grateful to live with someone outside the medical school class and would recommend having some separation from school and other parts of your life!

First and foremost, every relationship is different and highly personal. My partner is a theoretical physicist who currently lives in Europe, so our day-to-day lives are very different. It can be challenging during busy weeks to even call, given the time difference and our class schedules. However, we have been long-distance for the entirety of our relationship, so we are more accustomed to being apart than a lot of couples. For us, it’s most important that we are both open communicators and give each other grace when life gets busy. Additionally, given that every relationship is different, I try to not compare mine to others as much as possible or give too much weight to people who have strong opinions on long-distance relationships always failing. Everyone has different things they are looking for. There are some pros to being in a long-distance relationship: I am basically forced to be a good communicator and to not take my partner for granted. I also think long-distance relationships allow both people the opportunity to strike the balance they want between their relationship and everything else in their life.

One thing that surprised me coming to WashU was how many people were in long-distance relationships. Most of my friends in undergrad ended their relationships after graduation, so I expected to be one of the few med students in a long-distance relationship. Of course, some aspects of long-distance are hard, but overall it has been much more manageable than I expected! It is great to have the support of so many classmates who are in a similar situation. I am lucky that my partner can work virtually part-time, so he’s able to visit for about a week at a time while most people’s partners only visit for long weekends. My partner and I visit each other every 4-6 weeks. He usually comes to St. Louis, but I will be visiting him in Seattle over Spring Break in March. We try to FaceTime every day to check in, even if it is just for a couple of minutes on busy days. Don’t be intimidated by long-distance, just take it one day at a time!